Anger, rage and bipolar disorder. I’ve been really angry off and on lately – periods of feeling intense anger that is not the norm for me. And I’ve been trying to process it, understand it, deal with it.
Some may experience this as part of their mood disorder i.e. ramped-up energy states with intense emotion. But this is different. My bipolar is stable, I’ve been off psych meds for more than 26 years.
This is about life, a justified form of anger. It is about all I’ve learned that has gone on related to bipolar i.e the abuse of the serious medical condition Manic Depression to market more drugs to more folks.
The kids who have lost their lives. The teenagers and adults who have become disabled, had their lives ruined. Lying medical professionals that use our tax dollars to make billions for mega-corporations and make folks sicker.
That’s what this is all about.
A Mean Part of Me
I spent some time hanging out with a cool, young, Jewish gal who was training to be a midwife. I traveled to Lake Atitlan in Guatemala for a month and we were staying at the same hotel, relaxing outside in the evening, absorbing the breathtaking, cloaked in cloudy-mist, lake views.
We were talking about pregnancy, epidurals, nursing school, how I did yoga classes a few months before I gave birth to help my son position correctly in the womb… and that it worked.
Chit chatting, chit chatting and then we got on the subjects of money (how doctors over-drug then many women have to have unwanted C-sections) and Trump – danger zone I should have stayed clear of.
The anger and rage started to bubble up in my mind. Money, Trump, sick to the soul human beings in power giggling and wetting themselves behind closed doors plotting ways to take away health care for millions of Americans, so they can then wet themselves some more when a few more million bucks gets added to their bank account.
Related post: Donald Trump is a Disaster For Mental Health Care.
She was very blase, has no personal worries so it’s not an issue for her, didn’t seem to mind having Dumpster in power. How so many Americans are. I felt outraged and justified in feeling outrage. Then I vented.
“I can honestly say,” I said, “That I have never felt hatred towards others, it’s not the way I think, it’s not the way I was raised.”
And that’s all true. I’ve been a bit naive as well my entire life.
“But now I think those who don’t care about other Americans, just think of themselves should get the “F out of the country.”
I said that. We were chillin, calm, relaxed, it was fine, it was a safe space.
“It’s a mean part of you that’s coming out,” she said as she looked over her shoulder at me while swaying gently in her hammock.
Smart, perceptive gal. Good feedback. And I agreed.
“I’ll go with that,” I replied.
Why wouldn’t I? What we feel and do is a part of us, who we are, where we are at in our personal development.
I have no issues identifying the f’ed up parts of myself – should probably spend more time on it.
Anger and Rage Started with Writing About Bipolar Disorder
This anger hasn’t dissipated – the election ramped it up for me. And it has gotten extreme at times, feelings of intense anger and thoughts like I share above. I have been trying to process it. But I haven’t been doing a very good job.
I try to tell myself to think beyond the present. Take a historical perspective to the whole thing. Learn a little history, educate myself better. To not focus on – or get angry about – things I cannot change.
But then a part of me goes “F that.”
We all have individual power and ability to affect change; in ourselves, in others and in the greater whole, the world.
And the anger keeps bubbling up.
I realized this actually all started with my bipolar writing and learning about what has gone on the past 20 years or so – all the misinformation/crap/lies being promoted about the condition (illness, vulnerability, whatever you want to call it).
I – very naively – thought my book was excellent, that I’d brought to light a way of thinking about the illness and ways for folks to heal no one ever had. A whole body approach along with clarity about why and how someone could have become ill.
And possible causes for that onset of illness, that could be remedied or made less severe… help someone get better.
I thought folks would relate to me as I had a worse experience and periods of illness than most would ever want to imagine. And be comforting to those who have had the horrific severe episodes of illness – that if I could find ways to heal they could too.
I thought I’d connect with others. We could swap war stories and I could help them think of things to do to help them, get off toxic, disabling meds. That they would want to have some of the personal success in healing that I have been fortunate to have had.
Would welcome the information and be grateful for it.
The opposite happened. I was from the start viewed as a threat. Called “dangerous” and “stupid”.
Many have had ECT and very much have to protect the thinking that ‘they have a chemical imbalance’. They have to cling to the belief it’s why they have been so ill and have had to take so many psych meds. Then got so much sicker that they had seizures induced in their brain.
I was a threat. I actually had the illness, and eventually found ways to heal the extreme mood states.
Many of these folks are not even Manic Depressive, have had struggles with depression (as bad an illness when severe but different) then got a bipolar spectrum label when they worsened on meds or didn’t show improvement.
They were mistreated by mental health professionals – lied to – when they experienced a health crisis and made worse with treatment.
Is Similar to Rage Post a Prior Sexual Assualt
Other than ‘the mean part of me’ (if that’s really accurate) I’ve realized that what I’ve been feeling is very similar to the years of healing (lots of feelings of rage) after I was sexually assaulted in my early twenties.
But that was very understandable, normal and I sought out counseling to help me deal with it. This is different.
Nothing has been done to me personally, there is no trauma in my life. I struggle with health issues, yes, but I keep myself safe, the majority of interactions with others are healthy ones. Fun, close, connected times or just casual aquaintances that are enjoyable to experience.
By choice, I spend a lot of time alone. It helps me focus on work, focus on trying to increase my income so I can help my son move forward more easily in his life. And it keeps stress down. I have to rest quite a bit, and that part is not by choice. But I’m used to it and work at ways to improve it.
For this new challenge… I’ve decided to start an anger management program. Exactly what they may entail, I’m not completely sure about yet but I’ll keep you posted on my progress. Share some tips if I come up with any.